That Awkward Phase

I'm a little sad, my awkward phase is over.  I mean I finished all the Awkward seasons available to me for free on Amazon prime (Seasons 1-4).  So does that mean that my awkward phase is over? You know that uneasy phase where embarrassing moments seem to happen more often than not, where you just don’t feel comfortable in your skin, or that you feel like you don't fit in. We’ve all experienced it.

Well, my awkward phase started in high school, around sophomore year when I started caring about my clothes and hair, and what I looked like.  I started plucking my eyebrows and nothing was ever the same.  Gone were my baggy jeans, oversized t-shirts and flannels, and in came the baby Ts , fitted jeans, and sundresses. 

This phase continued well into college where I found myself feeling even more uncomfortable. I was still finding out who I was and what I wanted to be.  Okay so I'm still figuring out what I want to be, but you know what I mean.  I felt unsure of new experiences and didn't feel like I quite fit in.  

I was an art major who flat ironed her hair and wore Abercrombie and Fitch kakis.  My classmates were dying their hair bright colors, piercing their bodies in cringe worthy places, and wearing four different prints at the same time.  They were philosophical, deep, and they were worldly.  And here I was, a self-conscious girl, who would get sick to my stomach before a critique, from a small town on the coast of Oregon.  Nonetheless, I didn’t feel like I fit in to that crowd. 

Dating was awkward for me as well. I was still uncomfortable around guys and I thought that they were truly gross.  Like they didn’t shower or use soap, and they had some sort of repelling fungus that grew only on the male species.  I probably had good reason to think that they were gross as boys on their own for the first time weren't that clean.  Mom wasn't there to tell them to shower or to wash their clothes, and they hadn't caught on yet.  I didn't know how to handle rejection or reject boys with any style or class.  Dating was full of uneasy situations that keep me ever guessing if he liked me or not, or even, if this was a date or not.

Growing up generates uncomfortable, clumsy, and graceless, moments in general. Developing my voice and learning what I stood for was difficult, and is something I am still working on.  Experimenting with different hairstyles and hair colors left me with some comical pictures to look back on. Dealing with weight gain and weight loss the unhealthy way was like a runaway train heading down the Rocky Mountains. College and my 20s were full of awkward moments usually accompanied by some sort of learning experience though.

So now that I'm well into my 30s (holy shit...really???) I should have life figured out, right? When I was in my 20s and 30 seemed like ages away, I always thought people of that age were mature, had their shit together, and had life figured out.  Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm finding that that ain't so.  I'm still figuring out what I want to be, the only difference is that now I know what I don't want to be!  I'm still building my self-confidence and my sense of importance as I dive into a new field of health coaching.  I'm still finding my voice and learning how to use it.  I will say that I do feel like I have a lot more life experience under my belt since my college days, and that has helped me from making the same mistake twice, for the most part.  I'm also working on feeling like I have some sort of power. Not the "I am your boss, you must listen to me" kind of power, but the power from within. The kind that brings confidence to what I say, and to my work.  The kind that validates my words and knowing that what I have to say is important.  That someone will benefit from the knowledge I have and me sharing it.

Maybe life is full of awkward moments and they never go away. I mean, we are always learning and growing.

CrossFit Zen

Okay, it sounds like an oxymoron, I know, but this is the philosophy of my approach to CrossFit I have created for myself.  CrossFit is known to be very intense and intimidating, where beefy specimens throw around ridiculous amounts of weight and are highly competitive with one another.  Well, this may be true for some CrossFit affiliates, and it could possibly be true for the CrossFit box I attend.  However, I have decided to create my own approach to CrossFit.  I love the workouts, the personal attention, and the community that come along with CrossFit.  All I have to do is show up and I see friendly faces and they tell me what to do.  And since I love it so much, I want to be able to participate for as long as I possibly can.  Like all healthy relationships in life: everything in moderation.

I have changed my approach to CrossFit over the years.  I started in January of 2012 with my two good friends, Mary and Anna.  We would have a blast learning the new movements, laughing at our lack of knowledge, and celebrating a 25# PR for our overhead squat!

At the time, I was also running and paddling so I had a lot of other activities that I partook in, and would frequent the box about two times a week.

Flash forward to January 2013 where after cursing my last marathon and telling myself, “I’d rather be crossfitting” for 26 miles, my participation in running faded, and I started attending CrossFit more frequently.  This is when I drank the cool aid, folks.  You’re probably thinking, “I was right!  CrossFit is a cult.”  Not so fast.

I was deep into CrossFit and was sad on my rest days when I didn’t make an appearance at the box.  I was recording lift weights and WOD times and attempting to increase my PRs.  I joined the Barbell Club where we worked on strength and power lifting.  I had a group of people I would train with and compete with.  Along with heavy lifting and constant high-intensity competition came aches and pains, and I started getting pain in my wrists and shoulders.  I was always comparing my workout score or my lift weights to other people.  And after a while, this exciting, encouraging, and enjoyable became a place where I would walk out unhappy and frustrated with myself.  Why was this happening?  I used to love this place.  It would give me so much joy and I would leave in good spirits.

When I took a look, I noticed that I was not following my intentions of why I love CrossFit.  I didn’t join CrossFit to be super competitive or to be an elite athlete.  No, I joined because I enjoyed the workouts, I loved the community, and I got stronger doing it.  A total win-win!  I had gotten caught up in the competition of it all and started comparing myself to other members.  It’s not fun to compare yourself to other people, and in fact, it can be down right miserable. 

So, I took a step back and looked at why I enjoy CrossFit.  I revisited my intentions and the reasons why I joined in the first place.  I love the way I feel when I am done.  I love how strong it has made me, and consequently I feel stronger in general.  I love the unpredictability of the workouts.  You go in not knowing what movements you are going to do that day.  I love the community and encouragement other members give each other.  In my intentions, there was nothing about lifting a certain amount of weight over my head or getting a sub 6-minute Fran time. 

Now, my current approach to CrossFit is what I call Zen CrossFit.  I workout for myself and remember my intentions.  I don’t lift as much weight as I used to, and that’s okay.  Because I’d rather be CrossFitting when I’m 70 with light weights than CrossFitting until I’m 40 with heavy weights and having to stop because of injuries.  I’ll pass on the injuries, please.  Before class I will check in with my body and see what it feels like.  Does it want to do more cardio or more lifting, and I will set my weight accordingly.  I don’t compare myself to anyone!  People’s scores from previous classes are up on the board for people to see, and I just ignore them for the most part.  Sometimes I will reference to see what someone comparable to me did if I am unsure of what weight to use.  But for the most part I just look and see who has been in for the day.  I stay present with the workout and focus on form and technique, concentrating on the specific movement I am doing at the time rather than watching other people and seeing what round they are on, or if I am ahead of them. 

This approach has been working out in my favor!  I am enjoying CrossFit again, I am sans injuries, and I feel positive, energetic and confident when I am done.  My body feels lighter, and I can recover quicker from workouts.

So, when it comes to working out, find a form of exercise that you love to do, stay present, remember your intentions, and don’t compare yourself to others. 

How do you Define Yourself?

I walked into my normal yoga class, Wednesday at 5:15, expecting to see my favorite yoga teacher.  Instead when I stepped in the room there was a stranger in the front of the room where the instructor stands.  In an instant a wall came up inside and resistance set in.  Who is this?  Where is Brigitte?  She won’t be as good as Brigitte, I thought. 

You see, I attend yoga once a week and I have two instructors that I have found I really like.  I love their flow and rhythm as well as the spiritual/meditative aspect they bring to the class.  I enjoy going to their classes knowing what to expect.  So needless to say, I was disappointed and let down when I saw an unfamiliar instructor. 

As class started she introduced herself and shared that Brigitte was sick and called her just prior to cover her class.  She then went on to say “Thank you for letting me teach you today.”  At that moment, the wall of resistance inside of me came down, and I accepted her as the teacher.  It was the simple act of thanking us for letting her be there and allowing her to be a part of the yoga practice that made me realize that she was grateful for being here, and she was asking permission to teach us. 

So we were on with yogaing and in between warrior one and half moon, she stated some wise words that I will not be able to replicate as eloquently as she said them.  But the idea of what she was articulating was to shed the day off, all of the stories that we play in our head, all of things we need to get done, and find the true you.  As what you are looking for is already inside of you, you just need to find it.  “Don’t leave the ocean in search of the ocean.”

Later she asked, “How do you define yourself?”  This question made me stop and think.  People often define themselves by what they do, their friendships or relationships, or their reputation.  You identify with being a mother, a father, a husband or wife, a daughter, a teacher, a nurse, a therapist, or a bitch.  We all do it; we label ourselves and even tie our self worth to what we do and what we have accomplished.  But what happens when we take that all away?  Take away your titles of daughter, teacher, girlfriend, poor, and how would you define yourself?  Take away the stories you create in your head, the ones that connect you to the past and present.  Remove the assumptions you have about yourself and the assumption you think other people have about you, and what would you be now? What is left?

This is a great philosophical question that will take me more than one yoga class to work through.  It is deep, who am I truly?  Am I just cells working together in harmony to create a human body?  Am I a vessel for a soul? Maybe I am ever changing from one moment to another. 

When you strip yourself down, take away the labels and the attachments, how do you define yourself?

I Got a New Attitude!

Have you ever woken up on the wrong side of the bed?  You wake up with an attitude, pissed off, and you don’t exactly know why.  You unwillingly get up and get ready for the day with a chip on your shoulder.  Any encounters with other humans are in the form of eye-rolls, grunts, or shoulder shrugs.  You just can’t shake it, but you continue on your day. 

Well, I had one of these mornings today.  I woke up with a ‘tude that I just couldn’t shake.  I was angry at the world but wasn’t sure exactly why.  I looked something like this: 

I have grudgingly learned these past couple of years that I have the ability to choose how to feel.  I could choose happy, or I could choose pissed off.  And today I was choosing pissed off!  So, armed with the knowledge that I could choose my attitude, I knew that this mindset was brought on by none other than myself.  It wasn’t the garbage truck’s fault that woke me up early, or the fact that my boyfriend has been gone for two weeks, and will not be coming back for two more.  It’s true that these annoyed me and made me sad, respectively, but I could choose to give into those feelings, or I could acknowledge them, say hi, and then choose to be happy. 

So, I put myself back to bed.  I felt like a mother disciplining her young child.  I willingly hopped back in bed and told myself to choose a new outlook.  I laid there for a few minutes resisting this idea, but as soon as I surrendered to my demands, and chose to be happy, I got out of bed, and started my day over again, sans attitude.  This time, I made my tea de jour, (Good Earth Original…it’s a great fall/winter tea), meditated, checked on my garden, and then got ready for the day. 

By changing my attitude, which I had total power over, I was able to have a productive day where I concentrated on my work, researching and writing nutrition articles, and could give my full attention to my clients.  I made taco salad for lunch, had a great workout at CrossFit, and a delightful chat with my boyfriend (He's showing me his shooting helmet).  I’m glad I called myself on my mindset, acknowledged that I was grumpy, took some time to turn my frown upside down, and carried on with a new outlook on the day.  Now, I didn’t have to change my attitude, but I am so glad I did.