That Awkward Phase

I'm a little sad, my awkward phase is over.  I mean I finished all the Awkward seasons available to me for free on Amazon prime (Seasons 1-4).  So does that mean that my awkward phase is over? You know that uneasy phase where embarrassing moments seem to happen more often than not, where you just don’t feel comfortable in your skin, or that you feel like you don't fit in. We’ve all experienced it.

Well, my awkward phase started in high school, around sophomore year when I started caring about my clothes and hair, and what I looked like.  I started plucking my eyebrows and nothing was ever the same.  Gone were my baggy jeans, oversized t-shirts and flannels, and in came the baby Ts , fitted jeans, and sundresses. 

This phase continued well into college where I found myself feeling even more uncomfortable. I was still finding out who I was and what I wanted to be.  Okay so I'm still figuring out what I want to be, but you know what I mean.  I felt unsure of new experiences and didn't feel like I quite fit in.  

I was an art major who flat ironed her hair and wore Abercrombie and Fitch kakis.  My classmates were dying their hair bright colors, piercing their bodies in cringe worthy places, and wearing four different prints at the same time.  They were philosophical, deep, and they were worldly.  And here I was, a self-conscious girl, who would get sick to my stomach before a critique, from a small town on the coast of Oregon.  Nonetheless, I didn’t feel like I fit in to that crowd. 

Dating was awkward for me as well. I was still uncomfortable around guys and I thought that they were truly gross.  Like they didn’t shower or use soap, and they had some sort of repelling fungus that grew only on the male species.  I probably had good reason to think that they were gross as boys on their own for the first time weren't that clean.  Mom wasn't there to tell them to shower or to wash their clothes, and they hadn't caught on yet.  I didn't know how to handle rejection or reject boys with any style or class.  Dating was full of uneasy situations that keep me ever guessing if he liked me or not, or even, if this was a date or not.

Growing up generates uncomfortable, clumsy, and graceless, moments in general. Developing my voice and learning what I stood for was difficult, and is something I am still working on.  Experimenting with different hairstyles and hair colors left me with some comical pictures to look back on. Dealing with weight gain and weight loss the unhealthy way was like a runaway train heading down the Rocky Mountains. College and my 20s were full of awkward moments usually accompanied by some sort of learning experience though.

So now that I'm well into my 30s (holy shit...really???) I should have life figured out, right? When I was in my 20s and 30 seemed like ages away, I always thought people of that age were mature, had their shit together, and had life figured out.  Now that I'm in my 30s, I'm finding that that ain't so.  I'm still figuring out what I want to be, the only difference is that now I know what I don't want to be!  I'm still building my self-confidence and my sense of importance as I dive into a new field of health coaching.  I'm still finding my voice and learning how to use it.  I will say that I do feel like I have a lot more life experience under my belt since my college days, and that has helped me from making the same mistake twice, for the most part.  I'm also working on feeling like I have some sort of power. Not the "I am your boss, you must listen to me" kind of power, but the power from within. The kind that brings confidence to what I say, and to my work.  The kind that validates my words and knowing that what I have to say is important.  That someone will benefit from the knowledge I have and me sharing it.

Maybe life is full of awkward moments and they never go away. I mean, we are always learning and growing.