Don't be a P...

I closed the door to the bathroom at the coffee shop and out came the tears.  I didn’t know they were going to stream out, but here they were.  I was frustrated with my self for being so scared and acting like a little helpless girl.  Insecurities were coming to the surface, ones that were born in childhood and have been with me throughout my life.  We all have them, and they like to say hi every once and a while to remind you why you have them, and to keep you “safe”.  Mine were here to tell me that my voice doesn’t matter, and if I just hide and don’t make any waves, no one will notice judge or critique me.  Well, I was tired of tiptoeing around people, and not knowing how to stand up for myself in a civilized and constructive way.  I was frustrated with myself for hiding because I am scared of what people will think of me.  I am also, really good at making my life look fine and dandy, when in all actuality turmoil is a brewing. (Just another form of hiding)  Once the emotion passed, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, ”Don’t be a pussy.”  It cam out, just like that.  Now, I’m not one to throw around the “P” word, but it was said by me, to me.  It was my bad ass self telling my pity party to stop worrying about what other people thought of me, to stop letting my insecurities get in the way, and get on with my life and work.  It looked something like this in my head:

So, I dried my eyes, used the bathroom, and got back to work.

So, what sparked this emotional downpour?  Well, let’s just talk about the icing on the cake.  My dear friends have put me (and themselves) up to a challenge.  The challenge is one that is pushing me out of my comfort zone, and is addressing my insecurities head on: My voice doesn’t matter and if I just hide no one will critique or judge me.  This challenge is one that stirs my gut and makes me want to moan and groan at the thought of it.  However, I know my friends well, and I know they wouldn’t challenge me if they thought I would fail.  They know that by challenging me and pushing me out of my comfort zone, that I will grow as a person, and my unicorn horn will grow two sizes.    

So the challenge, my friends, is to blog for 30 days.  Yes, that means I have to write something (EVERY DAY) and post it to my blog, which will force me to come out of hiding and expose myself to the cyber world.  This in turn, will allow people to judge and critique me.  SCARIEST THING EVER!!!!! Oh, and I forgot to mention that I have never been a fan of writing.  All of those five paragraph essays in high school and the marathon papers written in college and grad school were not fun for me folks.  Writing has never been my forte.  I am more of a number and art kind of gal. 

So, with that being said, I am off on my 30 days of continual blog posts…wish me luck!